Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Over And Out

Home is like a game of Pacman.
The only way to survive is to run hither-and-thither from the family members, while continuously eating, who will, otherwise, surround and fast-feed you to dormancy.

And it's totally irrelevant whether you have returned home looking like a Sumo-wrestler on steroids or a shrunken-up Somali. Because the unreasonable and unscientific accusations of malnutrition and boniness remain just the same, only you can't argue back as something digestible has already been shoved through your throat.

Also, home is where your ferocious sleep-cycle is forcefully domesticated. So it's no more okay to rise up leisurely at 11am; and doing so only invites stares so deadly, you begin to wonder if your parents found Grand Masti on your laptop.

Nonetheless, it's a lot better than our semester days, as the only organs which now remain in a state of continued trauma belong down the abdominal region, our nervous system being completely free of strenuous planning and decision-making like- "T2 is in 2 hours, is it too late to take li8?"

Of course, I'm not talking about those greedy nerds (or is it career-oriented students?) who are currently whacking their brains out in internships (or is it like PS-1 again?) to spice up their CV which at present characterizes a cold saltless khichdi. And then, there also are those people, who are working from/at home like me, but don't get any credit or recognition, or as my mom puts it, "Khali baitha hai, matar chheel de."

And as it so happens every Christmas eve, I put on some age, once again, and turned two decades old. And this long time-span scares me because if I were a cat, I'd have just 7 lives left, and if I were a college, the alumni would pay me a visit in 5 years, to check if I've collapsed. Fortunately, age is one such rare number that requires no effort on your part to increase, just like your weight or debt.  

And since two years, I've been dutifully awaiting my "birds and the bees" sermon, not that I don't have all my basics in apiology and ornithology already clear; in fact, thanks to DC, there's almost nothing I need to know anymore; everything having been thoroughly demonstrated- be it a bird with a bee, a flock with a bee, a swarm over a sparrow, a flight across a hive, hornets around falcons, owls over honeycombs, vultures with kites over a gaggle, wasps and bumblebees buzzing around... you get my point, right?

But no. In India, there's no such concept and we are never going to have "the talk". And it doesn't even matter, because what is the news for?        

Anyway, I took a daring step on my birthday and went to watch Dhoom-3 without heeding the numerous warnings and criticisms I had heard and read; and after watching it could't help but think of Christopher Nolan's reaction if he had watched the movie.

Journo: Hello Sir! I'm a great fan and I've seen all your movies 2 times, including Inception which I failed to get twice. Well, how did you feel when you realized that this Aamir film too, like Ghajini, had picked up various plot points from your movies and dumbed it down in their movies, of course after having paralyzed the pace with the dance sequences and having screwed up the script with added plot-holes?
Nolan:  (in British accent) Bollywood walon, tumhari aisi ki taisi. 

And it's ironic how we people can tolerate and withstand all the indecency and hopelessness around, but our movies always must end happily. And if they don't, all the dead characters, be it the villains, or the heroes or the supporting characters, have to turn up in an ending dance sequence without fail to inform you about their safety and good health. So, if The Dark Knight was actually remade here, it wouldn't be surprising to see Harvey, Rachael and the Mayor dancing with Wayne, Joker, Alfred and Gordon in the ending credits with Joker playing silly tricks on little kids, on a song that may go like, "Na na na na Batman na na na na na, Gotham ke logon ko humein hai bachana.." and all that crap.

And coming to the "31st December" celebrations, various all night "open-sky" parties (which is just a glamorized way of saying, we could't afford a club) and DJ nights are being organized everywhere (because DJs are like engineering colleges, every gali has one of them, and most ain't any good). And everyone all over the country seems to be hyper-happy and super-excited, which might probably be due to the numerous Dhamaka Discounts the malls offer at this time, when people buy valuable accessories and decors for their homes, like new calenders. But anyway, there's nothing to complain about here, it's not like we have Gudi Padwa, Sankranti, Baisakhi, Ugadi, Vishu, Bihu, Cheiraoba, Puthandu and 100 other festivals to celebrate the onset of a new year.

Okay, anyway, I'll now refrain from my senile rants and rapidly retire, leaving you to dance in the cold air, and wish you'd stop horsing around at least this Year of the Horse, and have a kick-ass new year.

You're welcome. 

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