Friday 14 February 2014

Will you be my...? Part 2

It's been a year since I wrote a post for all the "sexy single males in your area" to renounce their singularity, which they had been so preciously preserving and protecting like a grandma preserves and protects pickles. And the extremely helpful tips provided had changed the lives of millions around the world overnight, whose names I will dutifully withhold for privacy reasons; and because it's difficult to make up so many names.

But ironically, I've still meticulously managed to stay as lonely and deserted as a Neon atom, except even that damned blob of charge happens to successfully react with others when things get heated up beyond control, rather than taking an easy way out and expelling electron plasma in isolation.

And this huge span of unintended solitude and abandonment gave me long enough time for self-analysis, self-discovery and self-exploration. Yeah I'll continue when you stop grinning, pervert. So, this period of study and scrutiny lead to many findings that I'd like to share with you on this holy feast of St. Valentine who's got to be like, the most romantic saint. Ever.

Of course all parents may not like this eerie idea of you having a girlfriend, but that will last only until you debate with them, with a logical point of view which has to deal, in most of the cases, with education.

You:              Ma! I got a girlfriend yo.
Your Mom:   WHAAATT?! NOW I KNOW WHY YOUR CGPA IS SO LOW! WHY YOU BUNK CLASSES! WHY YOU GOT A 'D' IN THAT STUPID ELECTIVE! WHY YOU DON'T HAVE A START-UP YET! WHY YOU DIDN'T GET INTO THE I.I.T.! WHY YOU DIDN'T GET 90% IN YOUR 10TH! WHY YOU LOOK SO THIN! AND NOW YOU ARE AN ATHEIST TOO! GOA ISLIYE BHEJA THA?!!!
You:              Whatevs mom. It's like I'm at the library all day long. Studies 'n shizzz y'know.
Your Mom:   Oh LOLzz! Ye le beta Chyawanprash kha.    

So here goes the list of what not to do this V-day with easier steps as you go down, to help you effectively score chicks, whom you had scored until now with the perfection and proficiency of scoring in a game of Flappy Bird. Being played on a wet touchscreen. Of a perpetually hanging Samsung. With a broken hand. Wearing a blindfold. While sitting on an angry bull. In a rodeo stadium. Set on fire.
*Drumroll*

I Don't become a superhero.

Alfred:  Why do we fall, sir?
Bruce:   Erm... eh... gravity, I guess.
Alfred:  No shit, Batsy!

But no. Things aren't this simple when you're a superhero. You have to 'begin', 'rise', 'fall', 'return', 'amaze', 'avenge' and 'originate', single and heartbroken; because the heroine is meanwhile romancing away with the villain / side character / supporting cast / sequel hero / prequel villain / random nobody, and only returns your advances in the form of philosophical advises, and occasionally, rant letters. So, as pessimistic it may seem, the truth is, all that great power, great responsibility and those ill-ventilated costumes are pretty overrated. Just like your chastity.

Now, moving on to realism.

II Don't trust Quora

Now that Quora is blocked in our campus (owing to some reasonably reasoned reasons, I suppose, whatever they may be) I have lost access to all those brilliant thought provoking  questions our highly mature and wise BITSian friends had put up on it. Example-
"I live in AH6. Is it worth going to the Lit. Crit. class?"
Well, no son. Mars might have pots filled with diamonds and dollars on it, but would you ever see me backpacking to the planet? Nope.

And coming to those testosterone laced Q/As on Quora, if I had really wanted to read a million worded fake-fictional-filmy love story from the mystical lands of IIT, cheesy and corny enough to be passed around as pizza, I'd have rather read Five Point Someone again.

III Don't believe the Bollywood

Bollywood films are all basically of one single genre. Fantasy.  
Now fantasy is a relative word; it signifies different incredulous and unimaginable things for different people, be it fairies and devils, or black magic, or wands and spells and potions, or just Ron Weasley walking out of the frigging friend-zone.

And SRK has to be specifically blamed here for planting the multiple fairytales and myths into our easily moldable Indian minds. So, in reality, the only attention you'll ever attract by playing a mandolin in a mustard field on a sunny morning will be that of a pissed-off farmer. Similarly, all you'd perhaps get by pulling a girl into a train might just be one grateful, "Thankyou bhaiyya!" Also, stalking the soul out of the woman will get you nothing; or at most, a restraining orde...WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?! YOU MEAN ALL THAT RAANJHANAA MOVIE WAS A LIE?! LOVE DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY?! YOU FREAKING MAD OR WHAT?! WHAT THE F... Shhh! Calm down, Kolavari Di.

And the side-effect of watching these mellow movies is, you are left with a pleasant feeling for half-a-day when the world starts looking greener and brighter, until the hormonal high eventually wanes out , and you re-realize that true love lies only in the hidden folder.

IV Don't Be Shy

The early bird gets the worm. And the early stud gets the bird. Or chick, whatever.
It's difficult, no doubt, to come out in the open, ours being the generation which has spent more time staring at a facebook profile picture than facing the actual person; nothing comforting us more than the warm fuzzy feeling of security, when we hide behind the laptop screens. But in-live is better any day than on-line. Mainly due to an increased clarity in communication outside, owing to that dynamic smiley generator that's in vogue nowadays, the face.

Or you can just directly... okay I'll just stop it here I'm already feeling nervous right now.

V Don't Be An Asshole

Now we all know how girls have an awkward affinity for assholes, but by the looks of it, it's clearly not working out in your case. Also this argument seems to be skewed because just being an asshole won't do the trick, unless you are also a mediocre singer with a painfully transitioning adolescent voice, and also sport an incredibly shitty attitude (which is a necessary qualification anyway) inviting homosexual jokes from all around the world. Or you have a "Yoyo" permanently hanging in front of your name.
So better avoid being a jerk. It's off limits.
   

Now we men are all a bit like Rahul Gandhi. We think about women and empowerment all the time. And Rahul is a bit like Abhishek Bachchan, being the worst actor in the family. But more on that later. So all I want to say is, the times are very desperate, especially with women misinterpreting the meaning of "all men are like dogs", which actually addresses our eternal excitement, eagerness and enthusiasm for some love. And also the unflinching and unwavering loyalty we have for every random passerby who has something to offer.  

So, hereby, with these noble thoughts and intentions, I wind up my scroll.
And wish you all a Happy "You're just a fortnight away from T1" day.
With a message to make love, not war, like that perfectly logical Axe Peace ad* says.

Signing out.

*Yeah, don't believe those bullshit deodorant ads too.