"Dogs bark. Bitches friendzone."
- Aristotle, on canine behavior
So, it's that time of the year again when we start feeling as desperate as that poor Tyrannosaurus Rex, which hid under a tin shed to prevent getting wet due to heavy rains. Sadly, it was raining asteroids and it died.
Yes, tomorrow is 14th February; that esteemed day, when the Dutch Drees government presented its plan to build 30000 houses, in the year 1949. And also the Valentines Day. Meh.
So, now there's an inflow of cheesy apps like Love-calculator, Love-simulator, Love-refrigerator, Love-alligator, Love-thermoregulator, Love-superadministrator etc all over the net. (One of which calculated a 100% compatibility between me and Mayawati. (No I didn't enter any surname))
And this day, like diarrhea, comes with various symptoms before finally squeezing the shit out of people; namely-
07/2 - Rose day
08/2 - Propose day
09/2 - Remember the slap you got yester-day
10/2 - Stop stalking her FB profile (and her!) from to-day
11/2 - Damn! Why is it Mon-day?
12/2 - WTH! The street dogs are celebrating Kiss-day
13/2 - Shit! I'm again with my pet octopus on Hug-day
14/2- Say 'Valentine' again and I'll bloody hammer your brains. Yeah; day
But if you believe in directly coming to the point instead of wasting money on Teddy bears and gummy bears, here are some tips for all you single-helplessly-waiting-to-mingle to make this day an unforgettable memory. These are some acts you have to perform to successfully change your relationship-status on FB from "single" to "it's complicated (coz I accidentally lifted few relationship tips from some evil loser's blog)"
So here goes the list, with the success-probability and difficulty-level increasing, as you go down. *Drumroll*
Level I- Wear a rose (or roses, depending on your budget) on your shirt permanently for the whole day. It is also cheap, as you may use that unused rose from the Rose Day. Yeah, it looks odd and weird. But it totally helped Nehru 'mount his baton'.
Level II- Go guitarist. Come on, we are all engineers, and our first and foremost duty to our nation is to play that godforsaken 'Godfather' theme on the goddamned guitar. So take that wooden stringed instrument wherever you go and keep thrumming it periodically. The guitar, I mean. And you may add a medley of songs like Bruno Mars' 'Grenade' poisoned by a sadistic potion of 'Sheela Ki Jawani' and 'Jeena Yahaan Marna Yahaan' and end up driving all the musically-challenged girls crazy. But it works only if you are called Gajendra Verma and you are playing in an auditorium.
Level III- Act blind. Wear your goggles, take a stick and walk coolly, until your crush comes and you abruptly fall on her. Now, there are two possibilities:
(1) She may pity you and sympathetically ask, 'Are you blind?' Reply, 'Yes' Now, gauging her emotion, gently add, 'And so is my love.'
(2) She may freak out and shriek out, 'Are you blind, asshole?' Reply, 'Yes' Now, without gauging her emotion, cuttingly add, 'And so is your grandma.'
In case something good eventually happens, (the probability of which would be as less as ethics in GTA) you can suddenly drop in the Titanic's classic line, 'I see You', one fine day and open her eyes too. (And stop giving me those cheap looks. I'm doing social-service here.)
Level IV- Tell tales. Things needed- few trustworthy friends and an armor, preferably shining. Wear the armor and roam around your crush with your friends when she is alone. And when she is suitably shocked by your unearthly appearance, she will yell, 'What the hell is that costume?' Your friends will now step in and act like you are just wearing the same clothes that you initially planned to give for laundry a month ago. Now, when she goes out of her wits and shouts, 'Why does it look like an armor to me then?', your friends will casually suggest, 'Perhaps, because, he is your knight-in-shining-armor'. Now it's time for you to act royal, which you've never been in your whole life, and live the tale. Note: If you lie anywhere below the Tropic of Cancer on the map, smoothly add, 'And you can call me... the Dark Knight.'
Level V- Play gay. Now this is an interesting one. You have to come out of the closet even if you don't have one and tell about it to your crush. It'll be highly awkward at first but will turn easy and comfortable gradually. And then, when the time is perfectly ripe like a yellow banana, go back inside your imaginary closet. Convince her with a straight-face that her presence has dramatically changed your mindset and you are Khushi-wala-gay now, but not the mushy-wala-gay. Heck, you may even become a celebrity by joining and publicizing Ramdev Baba's quest of 'curing' gays via Yoga. *Happy Ending* *Claps*
Level VI- Pick-up positively. When it comes to pick-up lines, I position myself at very high ranks just like Laden positions himself in the list of Nobel Peace Prize nominees; as the only pick-up line I know immediately gets you a handshake, but unfortunately, can be used only once a year. Because it's 'Happy Birthday!' And a humble request to all the CS guys- stop using 'Hello World' as a pick-up line. That isn't the correct syntax. And EEE/ENI people, you can use this line- 'I thought the DC is the most electrifying thing until I met you.' Don't know about the rest, but if your crush is a Chemical Engineer, the ideal one is, 'Are you placed?' Because when she asks why, you can romantically reply, 'Coz you are one in a million.' Despite looking easy, this act is placed at the 6th position because just like the snake-reborn-to-take-revenge stories, it works out only in the movies.
Level VII- Be You*. This is the most difficult one. Seriously. Because try however you may, there is always the actor within you who forces you to pretend, to feign, to fake. But in the long run, being yourself ultimately helps you emerge victorious. Yeah you can wipe those tears now.
If you found the whole content to be directly opposite to the word 'useful', do remember, that I promised to help you make this day 'an unforgettable memory', nothing else. And that I guarantee. If you have any better and safer ideas, do drop them in the comment-box and take part in this noble and altruistic activity. And who knows, that might make some lonely writer somewhere lucky. So everyone reading this, wishing you an advanced Happy Solo-people-hiding Day and for all the girls, 'Happy Birthday!! :P :D :F :W'
*No this isn't a publicity article for any sort of an awesome conference, but if you've been lazy enough to not register still for something called TEDx, here goes the link, http://10.10.10.120/ And yeah there's a shirt too. Yeah that black one, which doesn't look like a copied football team's jersey. Signing out.