Monday, 11 November 2013

HIT THE.. never mind.

The last few days have been a blast, including Diwali, which is the festival that comes once a year to specially remind you, once again, of the pussy that you are deep within. And it gets particularly trickier when you're at a relative's house with tomboy cousins, who go on unintentionally insulting you by heroically lighting every known kind of explosive that can be possibly sold legally in stores, while you slip away sneakily, snuggling in the safety of the secure, yours truly, phuljhari.

Also Diwali comes with its fair share of shitty film-releases, which are like the cinematic equivalent of those phuski-bombs; except that the phuski might eventually blow up after a dramatic, attention-seeking pause, but there's no way the movie will ever make any sense to you on further contemplation, the only thing it manages to burn being your pockets.

Unfortunately and fortunately, this time, I managed to see Krrish3 and Gravity respectively. One was about people flying into space, meeting with horrendous mid-air collisions, to create a shitload of high-speed debris that could effectively wipe out a whole planet if properly projected. And the other had Sandra Bullock with shorter hair than mine.

And Krrish 3 proves yet again how "subtlety" falls right under "logic" in the list of Top 5 things Bollywood mercilessly hates. Because, the people at Gotham might erect a memorial statue for Batman with respect and gratitude and all, but their love will never be as sincere as here, in Mumbai, where they don't leave it at that and suddenly move on to dancing around Krrish's statue, to "God, Allah aur Bhagwan, ne banaya ek insaan", with ridiculously choreographed moves (Krrish, his wife, and father included). Seriously? You three mega-mighty-minds sat together and all you could come up with was this narcissistic bitch? I'll just go and upvote all the atheistic answers on Quora.

Gravity, on the other hand, takes the "Women can't drive" stereotype to an ionospheric level, with Bullock going bollocks over every damn craft she floats into, only to correctly land when Mr Clooney tells her how to handle the vehicle, in a dream that too. On the flip side, she does know how to give her boyfriend some space when needed. (And before you astronomical Nazis tweet the hell out of this post for its scientific inaccuracies no one gives a stardust of a damn about, it's actually the thermosphere and not ionosphere. Now, shush!)

And then after an unnecessary break of 3 working days, hit the best fest since fest (yeah, go figure) with a mind-numbing speech by the new director that consisted of throat-choking words like "law abiding citizens", "don't break the rules" and "enjoy responsibly", thus putting back "IIT" in "shiiiiiit!" Thankfully, this was followed by Mime, shortly after, which chose to communicate better messages without any speech.

Also this fest increased the number of celebrities I've seen at a safe 100 m distance, by around 10, depending on whom you may count as celebrities. And I realized how celebrities too are just like us mere mortals, with similar emotions and expressions, albeit slightly refined, when I hurriedly stuttered "Sir! Sir! Sir!" at Nikhil D'Souza, and complimented him with a smooth, flattering, "Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!" to which he responded with a weird stare.

And the surprise of the year undoubtedly goes to the sudden, almost UFO-ish appearance of Priyanka Chopra at the Karaoke Night (or it felt so), to join in with the audience to sing, along with her friends Vishal & Shekhar. I just wanted to quickly run to her and ask my 150/- on Krrish-3 back, but something about the dancing and singing crowd around reminded me of her fabulous performance in Barfi, and I chose to cut her some slack.
But of all the highlights of the fest, I'll personally cherish Kalki Koechlin sweeping my mind away as she swiftly passed by, few inches from me, never giving me a chance to convey how much I love her... well, husband. But I'll certainly try to make up for it by watching at least his next movie in a theater.

And so, with a quick fast-forward like pace has this fest ended throwing us back into the stuck-tape scenario that the post-Waves period is, with a resounding, repeating word, "compre". And this transition from rewind to revise is indeed hard. So let's once again, get calm, sit down and realize why we're actually here for, and steady our distracted minds to study. Of course after liking those Priyanka Chopra pics on FB, that is.

Signing out.