Friday, 5 July 2013

Card Attack

Or going by the medical terminology- 'Card-yuck! Argh-est', is that intense displeasure you feel on seeing few neatly placed alphabets and digits, that reflect how little you have learnt since those childhood days, when you struggled scribbling those alphabets and digits. (Southies: Remember that period of your life, when you were busy solving 'Narayana Material for Neonatals', sucking a set-square simultaneously? Yes, that's called 'Childhood'. Northies: Childhood is that stage of... Meh! You won't get it. You were winking at a nurse from your foetal sonogram.)

Honestly speaking, I was never a believer of "Blow At First Sight". But this was before I met that card. It was raining that day; those memories still fresh and vivid in my mind. I was alone in a dimly lit room with it, slowly proceeding to open its envelope, while the raindrops splattered against the shivering windows. I gently trembled as I laid my hands on it, yet cautiously continued against my pounding heart; until finally, it laid bare before my eyes, leaving me bewildered. And it was at this intense moment that my parents stepped inside the room, and the episode took an awkward twist.

Mom: The hell! An E?
Me:    (in the tone of that annoying Parle-G ad) Mom, E mane Excellent.
Mom: Beta, that joke is so ancient, BITS used to be a non-profit organization then.
Me:    What? I heard it for the first time at our college orientation! Anyways when was the last time you made an            original joke?
Mom: If my memory isn't bad, back on 24th December, 1993 I guess.
Me:    But that's my birt..
Mom: Exactly.

On a serious note, now I do know, why 'E' stands for 'exposed' (as given in our grade-cards). It's because it totally strips you down in front of your family, neighbors, friends and other inquisitive assholes who suddenly materialize into existence at such critical times, like abruptly erupting dormant volcanoes, rubbing garam masala into your wounds and steaming out your self-esteem. But again, 'asshole' is a relative term. I prefer using it for my relentless relatives.

And next inevitably, comes up the topic of fees, which now feels like a huge investment with no returns. Or rather, the only thing that returns is a dull wannabe-engineer who rebounds home from PS every weekend.
Reportedly, the reason for the fee hike was to boost the faculty-salaries. Well that's sweet! But who the hell figures out the finances? Robin Hood? Okay, I apologize. In that case, the transaction would be the other way round.

On the flip side, the Scholarship might be increased, but again, this increase would be as useful to me as a bookmark for a dictionary, as the applicants have to be either meritorious (which anyhow I ain't) and/or needy (which somehow I ain't). But being of revolutionary and rebellious nature since infancy, I'll continue passionately signing petitions on and will sincerely support all the FB groups named anything Maggi-ish by 'liking' and also won't hesitate to spam there. Yes. You're welcome.)

Eventually begins the speculation-sport, in which the players of the team (composed of parents and near family members) take turns and throw random accusations for your hopeless score, which you have to cleverly and cunningly contradict with intelligent arguments. Well, let me illustrate some of their usual suspects-

Trips?  Nope. Can't afford.
Tours?  Nope. Can't afford.
Drugs?   Nope. Can't afford.
Drinks?   Nope. Can't afford.
Smokes?   Nope. Can't afford.
Girlfriend? Are you even listening?

But before you gone-graders start feeling utterly helpless and hopeless, and do something seriously stupid like, well, most of the things you usually do, let me remind you that your CGPA is a mere number. Just like your ATM PIN is a mere number. Except it would be really disturbing to see someone laugh at your PIN.

So basically, these times are sad, and to be accurate, as sad as the jokes that go something like-
 Year AD hona chahiye.
BC toh tu bhi hai 
Yet, we bravely survived through those, didn't we? So let's keep up the same spirit, and meanwhile celebrate the good things in our lives. Like how the BITS administration cracked a subtle joke by building kitchen in the girls' hostels. (Damn! Now I AM running a risk of getting karate-chopped.)

And lastly, I'd like to add that, curse however you might, but the bitter truth is, your CGPA card acts just like a mirror, by instantly letting you down, every single time you throw a glimpse at it. And also by reflecting your progress through your academic life. So, you better go study from now on, unless you want to follow an easier plan, in which case- It's simple. We kill the postman.


  1. _/\__/\__/\__/\__/\__/\__/\__/\__/\__/\_
    still laughing
    too epic post !!!!
    keep writing
    seriously man amazing post !!!!

  2. From start to end - pure brilliance! :D
    Hilarious! :D

  3. Send the girls back to the Kitchen!
    Few guys get to tell their girlfriends, "Make me a sandwich" :D

    1. Girlfriends? That's pretty out-of-syllabus for me :D

  4. Great post man. PS-1 does do one helpful thing, it buys us time so that parents can cool down before shoving the 'Card' and many accusations like you mentioned at our shameless faces when we reach home.

    1. Thanks! And yes, PS-1 is one good shock-absorber! :D

  5. awesome post dude.. :D :D

  6. KILL THE POSTMAN !!!!!! dats a better option :P

  7. Awesome post !! one of ur best ... Especially the last para nd the last line .. great !!

  8. Now I know where you get it from..
    Give my best to aunty :)