Friday, 16 November 2012

The Whole E-Matrimony

The big things in life are free.
Just like my fake account in Jeevansathi.com

So, one day my friend barged into my room and said, "I am sufficiently tired of being 'friends' with total strangers and now is the time to quit screwing around in FB and do something thought-provoking, something real, something more mature." And then we created my fake profile. But, I don't want to give free publicity to this match-fixing site so, me being a chemical engineer, let's call it A1sathi.com.

I am very proud to mention that my profile has got 89 views, which is like 89 times the number of views my blog has got. And, this matrimonial alter-ego of mine, named 'Supramanyam', has got a BE Chemical degree (yeah, I never lie about my roots) and an ME in I.S. (Information Systems) from Stanford. But, I can bet on the cheesy looking couple on the website (that look so glad, as if the husband owns a Kingfisher villa and the wife owns a make-up box, the size of the villa) that ladies are going crazy just over the I.S. part.

Anyhow, it's quite obvious, isn't it; because of the love people have for the things starting with the letter 'I' (subconscious egocentrism, maybe).  Some justifying examples here are- I.I.T, I.I.M, I.T, I.A.S, I.Q, IMAX, I-series-Intel-processors, I-whatever-shit-Apple-makes, I-pill... oops, that came out wrong (no, that isn't a tagline, perverts!)

And, I did one more extraordinarily clever thing; that is, didn't upload my photo. Now, that doesn't mean I am bat-shit-ugly, but, why not let their imaginations run wild! Especially when in this age of obesity, imagination is the only thing that can venture running. I also filled out various other details like my salary, hobbies, caste, creed, dimensions etc with slight exaggeration, as the final output is a person, who looks as big as Big-B, is a thinner and richer version of Lord Kuber, indulges in philosophical stuff like reading Bible, Gita, Koran etc and also preaches that these books essentially say the same thing- we suck!

Now, this one particular day was the turning point in my life, when my profile got its first hit and I got a mail saying, "XYZ, who is ethnically-blah-blah-blah, is interested in you." I was so overwhelmed that I melted into tears and sobbed with ecstasy, because, the last time the humanity seemed interested in me was when I got a game-request of 'Ninja or Nun' on Facebook.

So, I started reading the profiles of various didis and aunties. (Yes, I do respect women even when I am stalking their matrimonial profiles)The search-tool for profiles in this website is quite similar to Google. Now, I am not saying this because, when I typed "girl who acts like a girl", it replied with "Do you mean a Southie chick?" but because, the lesser the page number, the better the search-results.

Let me explain: the age of the females in the profiles gradually increases from 25 to eternity as you go from page 1 to 100. And I always have this weird vision that if I ever dare to, as much as, click on the 100th page, a shivering and wrinkled hand will reach me from the laptop screen and I'll hear a shaking voice saying, "B...b..beta mere Karan-Arjun nahin aaye beta! Now, I want a new f..f.....family beta!" And yeah, that's very creepy.

Some profiles have been written by the fathers, some by the daughters (I mean, the profile-owners), and some have been co-written. The profiles in the last category always have incredibly smooth transitions to avoid confusion and misunderstanding.                                          

An example, ".....My daughter is a respected, highly educated, good natured and well-mannered girl who is, by a rare celestial coincidence, also very beautiful. She has been brought up in a very good cultural background and with high moral values. I can also cook 5 types of pasta and 11 types of pizza and regularly hit gym to be in perfect shape, which isn't round, LOL. I also am very broadminded as I never care about the cheap comments my colleagues pass at me for having simultaneous love-affairs with my boss, who commands the call-center and my driver, who carries me to the call-center. I also....."                                          

See? You just can't detect that there were two authors to this literary piece.

And then there are profiles that have girls whose qualities-list consists of playing piano, violin, mrudangam, cello, nadaswaram and some 50 other instruments. So, basically in this case, I don't marry. I become the manager of an alternative Carnatic rock band. Now, imagine a daily household conversation-

Me- Honey! I am home. What's for dinner tonight?
She- Raga Hamsadhwani
Me- *speechless, with flute in the background*
She- Now the tabla won't play itself, will it, dear?

And then the scene cuts to the music-room where I am frantically playing Tabla with hunger-fits.

But sometimes I start feeling guilty and sorry; my conscience gets on my nerves, for committing this cheap act of not creating a fake profile featuring a woman, too. Then I would also have an overview of the male profiles in the website and things would be more fun. But it's okay. Supramanyam is managing quite well.

Now, I, being an engineer, have always respected multiple choices even when I had no idea what each of those choices meant; just like this website scenario, where an array of women check out a matrix of men and get interested in each other, quite dramatically. But in these times, when, even the faces that we see outside are masked with hypocrisy and insincerity, how can we believe in a profile pic and description on a random website which could have been created by some weirdo. (Like my friend, for example.) But then, it all boils down to a matter of choice and chance.

And who knows? Supramanyam might eventually land up with a 'sanskari stree' (value-added woman).
*The post ends with a Shehnai melody*








17 comments:

  1. Omegle kar!
    Better timepass :P

    And IS, really?

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  2. yes! Omegle!

    why? you have any contrary experiences kya? ;)

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  3. Haha Ashesh, if we go by his blog, you have some really bright days ahead :D

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  4. Great stuff....."playing tabla with hunger fits"- epic

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  5. Wah wah sir. Popular hi hote ja rhe ho. :D
    Wese hone layak bhi ho!!

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  6. Hilarious!This is one of the funniest blog articles i have read.keep writing!

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  7. Alternative Carnatic rock band xD You've put across the ironies of Indian Matrimony pretty well :D I'm waiting for your next supra article.

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  8. One of the funniest articles i have read :D Thanks for putting a smile on my face :)

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